Love Calling Love
by Winter Still
Summary: In this story I am the one who Dies, the only one, and I will Die of love, because I love you. /KaworuShinji/
1. Chapter 1

LOVE CALLING LOVE: CHAPTER ONE

summary: Shinji gets everything he wants, except the ability to adjust.

Shinji wakes in a world he has never known. The space above and beneath him is warm, soft and yielding. He stirs, moaning almost inaudibly, and moves his hand. Blindly, he pushes up and away, finding himself standing on a hardwood floor. Feeling cold, he shivers delicately. He wants to return to the warm place, but his eyes stray around the room and he finds himself tugged forward by his curiousity.

Personal effects which must be his litter the floor and the the long dresser. He lets the tips of his fingers rest on the dark wood of the dresser, and tries not to think. He's not afraid, he can't be, but what the _thump thump thump_ing of his heart says is something entirely different. He can hear birds singing just outside the window above the bed, except he hasn't looked at the bed so how can he know that the window's there?

A shifting of the sheets and his whole body tenses. "Shinji?" His eyes widen, and his heart is uncharacteristically silent. What happens next, Shinji will later attribute to reflex.

"K-kaworu?"

There. On the Bed with the calm blue sheets is the boy with calm red eyes but the colors somehow manage not to clash at all and Shinji isn't breathing _can't_ breathe because this couldn't, wouldn't be real. Shinji knows when he awakes from this dream, he will cry, like all the times before. He's crying now, but he thinks of it as a head start.

"Shinji," the grey haired boy asks, as he rises from the bed. "What is the matter?"

Shinji will not open his eyes, because when he does, he will wake in a cold room with colder tears.

"Shinji, please." Warm hands gently reach for his cheeks, smoothing away tears. "Tell me what bothers you so."

He lingers in the touch and allows himself not to think, for just a second. "…you're dead," he finally whispers, half of what he says lost because his voice breaks. Kaworu's stroking pauses, and Shinji's eyes squeeze tighter because he knows this is the part where it gets bad. It takes a whole minute, but the stroking starts again and Shinji's nerves are shot. Isn't he supposed to be waking up now? Isn't Kaworu supposed to pull away from him? "Did… did you hear me?" And for some reason, the tears start again, warm rivers that burn. "You're dead. I… I _killed_ you."

"But Shinji, how can I be dead? I'm right here." This moment here is where he should pull away and start screaming until he wakes up, because right now it's just too much to bear. He doesn't know if he can ever allow himself to sleep again after this.

"Never again," Shinji says, even as he pulls Kaworu close to cry into his shoulder. "Never again," he sobs, over and over and over until he is certain that if he opens his eyes, he will see the words burned into Kaworu's shoulder. The world eventually dissolves into nothing, but he's too numb to care.


	2. Chapter 2

LOVE CALLING LOVE: CHAPTER TWO

**summary**: Dreams really do come true. But Shinji can't bring himself to believe in fairytales.

Shinji wakes cautiously. His chest feels heavy, as if he has cried for a long time. This is nothing new to him. He sits up slowly, feeling the comforter slide down to his waist. He lets his hands cover his eyes, even though they are shut tightly.

"D-dammit," he breathes. Another dream! He is sure that they have him under survelliance now, and his _caring_ father will have him brought in for yet another psychiatric evaluation. He hates them. He hates how they degrade him. He hates himself, for being so weak.

_Kaworu…_ his mind calls feebly, because he dares not say the name aloud. If they knew that it was an Angel that caused him such instability, an enemy that had managed to worm so deeply into his heart, they would kill him. Third child or no. Hah. People like him come a dime-a-dozen, anyway.

He hears a door open, much farther away in sound than how it should have been in the small room NERV provided him with. Muffled footsteps pause, then continue in earnest, shuffling slightly as if trying to mask the sound.

"Shinji," that thrice-damned voice inquires. No, no matter how many dreams (_not nightmares, not if he's there smiling at him like that, holding him like that_) he has of his special person, he will never get used to Kaworu's voice. It's like a secret treat that he must treasure every nuance of, because when he wakes up (_and that is the real nightmare: he wakes up and wakes up and he will always wake up until the day he dies_) he can search the entire world for that beautiful voice and he wouldn't find it.

That is his punishment.

"Are you alright?" The bed dips appropriately to accommodate the other boy's weight, and here's the strange thing: Shinji feels taller somehow, bigger. His hands are still slim, but longer too. And Kaworu… Shinji drops his hands and opens his eyes to affirm it. Yes, Kaworu has grown too. They are… older?

He still can't trust himself to speak without bursting into tears again, so Kaworu fills up the silence. "Do you feel better from last night?" Shinji looks at him wide-eyed. It wasn't enough that his heart hammered away in his chest at the mere sight of this man, but now… could he have been awake and not remembered it? Was he still dreaming?

Or… could it be… (_is this real?_)

Kaworu sighed, and looked down at Shinji's hands. He reached over, and as if it were the most natural thing in the world, grasped it in his own, intertwining their fingers. "I knew you had class today but, seeing how stressed you were last night, I thought it would be prudent to allow you to rest." He looked up, and the light that escaped from the drawn curtains glinted off his white hair. "I am sorry." Kaworu looked up suddenly, disarming Shinji with a smile. "I also have to admit to not being able to wake you up on account of you looking so cute whilst you slept."

Shinji blushed. "K-kaworu," he said, and the man next to him perked up notably. "I um… I'm not sure if… A-am I dreaming? Are you going to go away when I wake up?"

They stared at each other for a long moment. Then Kaworu gracefully climbed the rest of the way onto the bed and straddled Shinji, gathering him to his chest. Shinji's hands came up behind him, gripping tightly. He couldn't help but cry all over Kaworu's chest again. "I will _never_ leave you," Kaworu whispered shakily. "Do you understand? Please do not question me again."

"I j-just don't want to be alone. I don't want you to go away again."

Kaworu gripped him tighter, carding through his black hair with a harsh tenderness. "I will not. I will remain with you for as long as I am able."

"Okay."

_Quite pure, quite free of future planning, I mounted_

_the tangled funeral pyre built for my suffering,_

_so sure of nothing more to buy for future needs,_

_while in my heart the stored reserves kept silent._

--Rainer Maria Rilke; Trans: Albert Ernest Flemming


	3. Chapter 3

LOVE CALLING LOVE: CHAPTER THREE

**summary**: Shinji's prince has finally come, but his bags aren't packed just yet.

_A long time ago._

_A long, long time ago..._

_we met._

"Shinji."

"Do you play the violin, Kaworu?"

A week had passed since Shinji woke and found himself in a new world. An alternate universe, where Kaworu had lived, not died. Where NERV didn't recruit high school students to do their dirty work. Where the only expectation Shinji's father had on him was to graduate from a specifically-selected university. A university that was built by the seashore.

Kaworu had taken Shinji's memory loss in stride, along with his occasional fits and mutters about "his world" and "this dream." In this world, he and Kaworu were roommates and classmates. Shinji was pursuing a degree in engineering to please his father, but was secretly taking musical classes where he could learn more about the cello that he had gradually learned to love. He hadn't asked Kaworu what degree he was seeking... it really hadn't come up. The strange thing was Shinji could recall the coursework for all his classes -- it was like he had truly lived in this world for long time, and that "other world" was a dream.

_A nightmare._

The grey-haired man turned toward him with a smile. "I did, as a child. I haven't abandoned it, but I cannot seem to find that much time to practice, lately. Now, Shinji, what would you like for dinner?"

Shinji looked at his socks. He leaned against the countertop that almost entirely circled the small kitchen. "I don't know." Kaworu sighed and closed the door to the refrigerator. He padded over to where Shinji stood.

"Will you look at me, Shinji?" When the man made no motion to move, Kaworu slid a hand beneath his chin. Only, he didn't nudge Shinji's head upward, just yet. "Do you still think this is a dream?" Shinji's gaze moved to the side, as if he were ashamed. "Do not fret. I am not angry."

He looked up in shock. "You're not?"

Kaworu edged closer, the hand under that man's chin holding him in place. "If you are dreaming, then I shall simply wake you." He leaned in, red eyes laughing at Shinji all the while, and kissed the smaller man.

"K-kaworu," he sputtered, a few minutes later.

Kaworu let his hand trail across Shinji's cheekbone. "What a fetching color," he murmured.

"What-"

"Do you still believe you are dreaming, now? I've given you true love's kiss, which is the savior of every princess."

Shinji's color changed from a charming pink to a rather alarming fire truck red. He hands still rested on Kaworu's forearms, where they had settled during the kiss. And he could feel the heat at his hip where Kaworu's free hand rested. "I'm not a princess," he protested.

"No," the grey-haired man agreed. "You are not a princess. You are a prince, lost and dreaming. And I will be the one to meet you there and bring you home. I will always look for you, Shinji. ...Please don't cry." Shinji blinked, lifting one hand to touch his face. Kaworu leaned ever-closer. "Have my words injured you?"

"No," Shinji denied. "No. I'm... happy?" He paused in amazement, then he looked back up at Kaworu, reaffirming himself. "I am. I'm happy."

Kaworu smiled a warm smile and pulled him to his chest. _Please, _Shinji prayed. _Please let me keep this dream forever._

--

A rhythmic beeping greeted Shinji the next time he awoke. His eyes opened wide. _What is this?_

He was floating in a water chamber, with a respirator over his mouth and an IV in his arm.

Doctor Ritsuko looked up at him and then scribbled something where she sat at her desk. She stood and walked over to him rigidly. "Finally awake now, Shinji? Everyone has been worried about you. You've been in a coma for almost two weeks."

_And they were the best two weeks of my life._

Shinji closed his eyes again, berating himself for fooling himself so entirely that he sank into a coma.

_But it felt so _real.

Even now, he could still feel the warmth of Kaworu as he delivered true love's kiss.

True... love's...

He opened his eyes again, filled with purpose as he had never known before. He wasn't entirely sure it would work, but it was the only chance he had of staying in that world. _That dream._

--

Central Dogma was harder to get into than he thought. Some parts were under construction and most were locked down completely. But all roads must lead to Rome.

And so Shinji found himself in the pool of LCL where he had commited his greatest atrocity.

"Kaworu," he called out to the orange pond. "I'm coming for you."

And as if summoned to his attention by his words, he could see, faintly, in the distance, grey hair. So grey it was white.

_we met._

He jumped in, cringing at the way his white button-up clung to him, and the unfamiliar _familiarity_ of the LCL. It was the warmth of the water, he was sure, the way it mirrored body heat. But also the way the parts of his body that were submerged felt like they were drifting away from him. He had to concentrate just to remember to swim to Kaworu's head, discarded as it were.

_we met at the sea._

And, millennia later, he was able to hold it in his hands. When he lifted him from the water, some of the still-beautiful hair fell away from the face, and some wrapped, tendril-like, around his fingers. He leaned against one of the ledges nearby so he could grasp him properly without having to constantly tread water. "Kaworu," he whispered, his throat dry, for all that he was in a sea. The face was mostly as he remembered, as LCL had somehow decreased the decomposition. The lips were colorless, and the eyes were thankfully still closed, as they had been at the end. The skin underneath Shinji's fingers was disturbingly warm, but lifeless and pale enough to be translucent.

He had intimate knowledge of this face, dreams and nightmares and he had _lived_ solely for this face. And he still did.

"I'll wake you up, like you did me." Shinji trembled, afraid but not quite alone and if he failed... _if he failed, _

the world would be too terrible to bear.

"True love's kiss. You're mine and I'm yours."

He could only hope that, if he failed, the LCL would drown him and make him anew, not quite Shinji and not quite Kaworu but both. The water lapped at his chest, a soothing promise.

_back before it was even called that, we met at the sea. I was thinking we would meet again. I want to see you._

Shinji pressed his lips to Kaworu's, too busy praying to feel repulsed. Under his fingers, a pulse began again, a rhythm as old as time. The LCL rose around him and Kaworu, and Shinji pulled away without noticing the change in tide. He was able to feel the bitter rush of disappointment of failure before the LCL rose above his head and swallowed him whole.

--

_Rage, rage against the dying of the night._

--Dylan Thomas

--


End file.
